On the future...10 years later.
Ten years ago, I published a video titled “On The Future.”
Ten years ago, I was 17, a high school senior, and still went by Jerrie. I was editor-in-chief of the yearbook, drowning in AP homework for subjects I didn’t like but thought I needed to take, and slept at 4 am often. In the video, I expressed the deep anxiety I felt for the future, shared the struggles I had about deciding what I wanted to do in life, and articulated my fear of rejection and inability to ask for help.
(Feel free to watch the video but please don’t make fun of me I was 17, lolol.)
I rewatched this video for the first time in a long while and it was very interesting to hear myself talk about all these fears. I can remember feeling the heavy dread of being a high school senior not knowing what I wanted to do next or where I would end up and feeling the pressure to figure it out soon. For some background, I went to a competitive high school where it felt like the only metric for success was whether you left our hometown. You can see how the pressure to figure out my next move was all-consuming to my teenage self.
College and the admissions process were scarier to me than I could admit at the time. My parents never went to college and my older brother who graduated the year before was in Georgia working his first full-time job. I felt unable to ask for help for fear of feeling inadequate and ended up shouldering the burden of planning my future by myself without recognizing that my peers must be feeling the exact same way. As I mentioned in the video, “I think the idea of asking for help intimidated me so much because I’ve been so conditioned to believe that asking for help was a sign of weakness and I just didn’t want to show that weakness to other people.”
At that time, I had only reached out to two friends—Thomas and Dustin—who comforted and supported my outlook on college. But, I felt like they knew I could challenge myself more. Long before I made this video, I thought I would start at community college and then transfer to a 4-year institution to study design or some other art. This was my verdict after reeling with the fact that I was a C-average student despite the stress I felt about “doing good” in school. I was never good at school and I needed time to rest from the high school burnout
After so much contemplation, I chose to also apply to art schools all over the nation despite feeling underqualified to make it in. In a way that seems so silly now, my 17-year-old self felt that everyone who applied to and attended art schools were artistic prodigies who knew from the moment they were born that art was what they wanted to do for the rest of their life. My biggest fear then was being caught as a fraud who didn’t belong in the space because I had only discovered art and design just a few years earlier. If it isn’t already obvious, no one knows what they’re doing with their life and people can pursue art at any age!
It’s funny hearing myself talk about being a “newbie” and feeling like I don’t belong in a space because in many ways I am still feeling very new and amateurish in this world. I quit my job almost six months ago in pursuit of something that makes me happier, but I’m still uncertain what that could be. I’m taking woodworking classes at my local community college and looking for a ceramics studio I can work out of all while exploring what it could look like to become a writer. All these endeavors are new to me and the negative self-talk is hard to shake off. The imposter syndrome was real at 17 and is still present even at 27.
I understand now, especially after watching the video again, how I conflated academic performance and college with success and self-worth. This thinking led me to pursue things I thought I should do rather than choosing things that felt right for me. I had a perception that at 27 I would be changing the world with my art or changing the world with design. Now, at 27, I can say that I don’t care to change the world with either of those. In fact, I don’t know if I care to change the world at all. I think I care more about doing things (work, hobbies, etc.) that fulfill me and helping others feel more true to themselves while doing it.
Can you guess who said my senior quote?
In my teenage years, I knew for a fact that I wanted to have a creative career, but I believed that design was my passion. Today, I am finding myself questioning the passion or lack thereof, I currently have for design. Back then, I was confusing passion for life purpose and with ten more years of life and wisdom under my belt, I can easily say that the two are not the same.
Passion is fleeting and to say that my passion is my life’s purpose feels trite. Here’s what I know as true about myself now:
I love working with my hands and can’t sit still for too long.
The common thread in my life and interests is my love for stories.
I am a conceptual thinker and prefer sharing ideas and strategizing plans.
Without understanding the complexities of my own sentiment back then, I declared that “there was always this voice in the back of my [mind] saying that I should at least try.” In the same way, I was attempting back then, I am trying to find my path forward for the next ten years. I am trying new and challenging crafts that allow me to work with my hands. I am trying every day to better understand myself, both in my life now and in my past. I know listening to that voice in the back of my mind is more powerful than any pros and cons list I can ever make. And, I know now that listening to my heart will always lead me the right way. To quote my 17-year-old self, “I know wherever I go [next], I will still be able to reach my goal of being able to learn and make a career out of art.”
Amongst the many things that have changed since I published this video, I am happiest that my intense anxiety about the future has diminished. I no longer stay up at night pondering what, if anything, I could do to change the possible outcomes of my life. I worry less about what I should be doing and how it may affect my future. Instead, I am more present in my everyday life and worry more about how I can treat myself and others with more kindness.
I feel immense gratitude for the young girl I once was. She took risks, worked hard to make a difference, followed her heart, put on her brave face every day, and found love for the world in the most surprising places.3 I wouldn’t be here writing this reflection if it weren’t for her. I leave you, and myself, with the same words 17-year-old Marj closed her video off with: “Everyone who is doubting themselves…just know that you, no matter what, are going to make it through life. And you, no matter what, are going to make the right decisions because the decisions you make are supposed to lead you to the life you want.”
Here’s to ten more years of learning and making art! Here’s to making mistakes and making decisions that will guide me to the life I want!
If you got this far, thanks for being here.
Until next time,
Marj ✨